Aceducation
by Jadeile
Summary: Angel Dust takes notice of the fact that Alastor is not getting laid, and figures he should be a good friend and fix the situation. Namely by attempting to seduce Alastor himself. Purely out of altruism, of course. Alastor would like to register a complaint.
1. Chapter 1

The Happy Hotel – or Hazbin Hotel, as the building itself said nowadays – had been running properly for a few weeks now. It was still a bit of a ghostville as far as demons seeking rehabilitation went, but at least curious demons dropped by to check it out for a cheap laugh on a daily basis, which counted as publicity. Even better, some had actually taken to visiting the front desk that doubled as a bar semi-regularly afterwards for the surprisingly good drinks Husk mixed. The lobby turning into an outright bar wasn't quite what Charlie had in mind, although she did cheerfully thrust info pamphlets at the visitors, but Angel Dust was truly surprised that they now had that many faces around. Regulars, even. He had honestly expected to have the bar all to himself ever since it was made, with only the occasional appearance from Alastor to break the monotone. This was much better.

Speaking of the Radio Demon, who was currently sitting at the bar by himself and enjoying a glass of whiskey, Angel Dust had noticed something very peculiar and simply unfathomable about him over the weeks spent at the hotel together. Or a few things actually, all likely related to each other.

One: Alastor was very touch-happy and had no concept of personal space… except when it came to others touching him, instead of the other way around. Apparently that wasn't acceptable. He subtly dodged most attempts at physical contact whenever he wasn't simply too far away to be easily touched in the first place. Whenever someone managed to sneak past his defenses or surprise him, he would swiftly remove the offending hand – once quite literally and violently –, step away, and then smile in an unsettling manner that was sure to cut out repeated attempts. Of course most demons didn't get too handsy with the infamous Radio Demon in the first place, but inebriation was the best way to cure fears and make you do stupid things.

Two: he never flirted with anyone in any manner, be it verbally or via body language. Or if he did, it looked completely accidental and he didn't seem to realize his words or actions could be taken that way. He never checked out peoples' tits or asses. Not even that one time when a particularly fine specimen waltzed in, wearing tight black leather pants with a navy blue handkerchief poking out of the left back pocket – needless to say, Angel Dust had been all over that hunk in no time. Good times.

Three: he typically either didn't seem to realize he was being flirted with, or he rejected the flirting instantly. The subtle kind of flirting went right over his head with an almost audible 'woosh'. The obvious kind of flirting was dealt with by a polite rejection. The lewd kind of flirting was met with a moment of blank staring, then a dangerous smile coupled with a polite rejection, and often with Alastor physically removing himself from the situation. The one time someone had paired lewd flirting with an adventurous hand on his thigh had been the same time Alastor had literally removed the offending appendage. Charlie and Vaggie had been very unhappy about the incident, Husk had complained about the blood stains on his counter and floor, and Alastor hadn't visited the bar for a whole week.

Four: he never took anyone to his room with him; at least Angel Dust had never seen it happen or heard anything from behind a closed door or through the grapevine. He never went out with anyone, either. Whenever he went out on his own, he tended to come back before Charlie's stupid ass curfew. The curfew didn't even apply to Alastor in the first place since he wasn't here for rehabilitation, he was an employee! Angel Dust hadn't even heard any rumors of him visiting the bordellos or any freelancers recently. Or ever, but he hadn't actively paid attention to anything about Alastor before now so he wouldn't really know.

The utterly baffling conclusion Angel Dust was drawing was thus: Alastor was not getting laid, and wasn't doing anything to change that.

It was wild. It was unsettling. It was beyond Angel Dust's capacity to understand.

It was tragic and needed to be fixed.

He may not be the best of friends with Alastor, but he wouldn't let anyone live their lives in misery like this. Especially someone as hot as Alastor. Man, Angel Dust had wanted a piece of that ass from day one, but had refrained from propositioning to him again after the initial no – he may be a slut, but he was a slut who believed in consent and occasionally respected other people's boundaries, too. ...At least when it came to people he interacted with on a daily basis, and who he had seen ripping off another demon's arm for being too handsy. He may have more arms than he necessarily needed, but he didn't fancy losing one anyway.

But now, watching the lone figure nurse a glass of alcohol with an absent smile on his face, Angel Dust felt the overwhelming urge to do something about the injustice at hand. Maybe it was the alcohol in his own system boosting his confidence and letting him ignore his sense of self-preservation, but he was ready to step up and be a good Samaritan.

He got up from his stool, sauntered over to Alastor, and sensuously leaned his back and elbows against the counter, naturally puffing up his famously fetching chest fluff in the process.

"Hey, Alastor", he purred, and fluttered his eyelashes just so. It worked wonders on most guys.

Alastor looked up from his glass with wide eyes and a frozen grin. He was silent save for the low radio interference that Angel Dust could just barely pick up on.

Angel Dust smiled widely at him, not bothered or intimidated in the least.

"Hello, Angel Dust!" Alastor finally said, voice slightly higher and more distorted than usual, but sounding as chipper as ever. His fingers gripped the glass tighter, but otherwise he didn't seem hostile. Angel Dust took that as a good sign. "Did you want something?"

Oh, wasn't that just the perfect way to frame the question!

"You", he answered, and extended a finger to delicately touch Alastor's nose. Well, at least he attempted it – Alastor leaned back just in time, his eyes locked on the threatening digit, and his smile tightening.

"Ahahaha! No, thank you!" he said, and smoothly slipped from his seat to stand beside it and lean against the counter nonchalantly, which unfortunately put more distance between the two of them. It was hardly unexpected, though; it seemed to be his favourite tactic to avoid contact with others and discourage them from carrying on with their advances.

Angel Dust put on his best pout and withdrew his finger, giving in just a little to avoid Alastor outright running off. "Why not? I promise you I'm a lot of fun, and I can indulge any kink of yours. I won't even charge you anything since we're friends!"

Alastor downed his whiskey quickly, and set the glass down on the counter with an air of finality. "I'm not interested. It's not about money or… kinks."

Did he… did he just shudder at the last word?

Angel Dust was now thoroughly intrigued, and too invested to give up. He eased himself off the counter and stretched his arms over his head in a lazy gesture that just so happened to make his blouse reveal more of his chest fluff.

Alastor glanced down for a second, and Angel Dust congratulated himself on achieving even that much. That, and it gave him the second he needed to step closer and trap Alastor between the counter and his body. He wasn't touching the other demon, and there was still some space between the two of them, but now Alastor wouldn't be able to simply walk away.

Alastor's smile twitched and his eyes darted around like a prey animal looking for an escape route.

"Is it because I'm a man?" Angel Dust asked with a smirk. "Because I know a gal who would love to take a good care of you if that's the issue."

Of course that wasn't ideal since he really wanted this hot demon in his own bed, but some things were simply non-negotiable with some folks and he could respect that. Grudgingly. He, personally, only fucked men on his own time, but he was perfectly willing to do women if they paid him enough, and pretend to enjoy it if the pay was particularly good. So...

Alastor's grin was growing dangerous now, and his right eye was twitching. "No. That is completely irrelevant. Excuse me."

There was a sudden case of static in the air that made Angel Dust's fur stand up, and a loud screeching sound of a grievously faulty microphone that made him close his eyes and cover his ears with a full body wince. Then, as suddenly as it started, it was over, and when he opened his eyes Alastor was gone without a trace.

Damn, he had escaped!

...But wait! Completely irrelevant? So he was bi, right?

Angel Dust smirked, and leaned against the counter again with a smug poise.

He could work with this.


	2. Chapter 2

Alastor walked out of his room, humming, and the door closed behind him with a satisfying 'click'. He summoned his microphone stand and twirled it between his fingers as he walked down the hallway. His mood was excellent this fine morning, and he idly considered how he should utilize it. Maybe he should cook breakfast for everyone? Niffty didn't mind him occasionally manning the kitchen when he was in the mood. Or perhaps lunch that was served cold, if she had already prepared breakfast. Yes, he would definitely cook something, regardless of when it would be served.

Perhaps some mischief was in order after that. Who to torment, though, and how? Hmm… He hadn't yet introduced the hotel staff – excluding Husk – to his Furby organ. Yes, that idea had some merit. He did love it when people begged for mercy and regretted their choices in life.

His thoughts and steps came to a halt when he turned around the corner and was suddenly faced with Angel Dust, who was leaning against the wall and examining his nails with a faux innocent expression. He was wearing a skimpy and mostly pink outfit as per usual, but had ditched his gloves today, probably just so he could pretend interest in his nails on this very occasion. That kind of planning couldn't mean anything good.

"Oh, good morning, Alastor", Angel Dust said with a low voice, and looked at him with hooded eyes. He peeled himself off the wall and turned towards Alastor, incidentally blocking his path.

Alastor was not amused. Yesterday had been awkward, and this looked suspiciously like more of the same. However, his smile never wavered and he stood his ground, despite the annoying nervousness pooling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe, with any luck, this was just a coincidence and would only turn out to be Angel Dust's usual idle flirtation towards any moving creature instead of… yesterday's unsettlingly direct and focused attack.

"Pleasant morning indeed", he answered with a chipper voice, trying to get back to his earlier cheer and ignore the disturbance. "Speaking of mornings, I'm on my way to the kitchen to see if Niffty has prepared breakfast yet. I feel like cooking today. So if you'll excuse me..."

He tried to casually sidestep Angel Dust and move on, but the other demon smoothly stepped in his way again and even grabbed his upper arm to halt him. His grin sharpened and he pointedly glanced down at the offending hand and then back at Angel Dust.

If he hadn't promised Charlie to not hurt the patrons of this hotel after that one arm related incident…

Angel Dust's expression wavered for a second, but then the suave smile was back and the hand remained where it was. "Is that so? Maybe I should help by preparing a dessert? I'm quite fond of playing with whipped cream."

If Angel Dust hadn't added an impish wink at the end, and then bit his lower lip as his eyes traveled down Alastor's body, Alastor wouldn't have known to shiver in dread and take a step back at the odd comment. He had no idea what kind of debauchery the indecent incubus of a spider demon had in mind, but he knew he wanted no part of it.

"No no no, I believe I do not require your questionable help, thank you very much", he said quickly, and tried to casually tug his arm free. He failed.

Angel Dust stepped closer and placed a hand on Alastor's chest. "Oh, but I'm an excellent chef~"

That didn't sound like it had anything to do with actual cooking, and Alastor had trouble coming up with a clever response while all of his attention was on the exceedingly uncomfortable feeling radiating from the spot on his chest currently violated by Angel Dust's unsolicited touch.

With no other viable option, he blended into his shadow and slipped out of Angel Dust's grasp and well past him before the other demon even realized what happened.

If he locked the kitchen door when he finally made it there, well, it was simply for his own peace of mind.

ooooo

The next day, Angel Dust's attack continued. This time Alastor wasn't targeted the first thing in the morning, which gave him a false sense of security and made the upcoming situation even worse.

He was put on the spot during dinner instead.

They had spaghetti and bolognese sauce à la Niffty, which was delicious, and certainly not the problem. No, the problem was that Alastor made the mistake of looking in Angel Dust's general direction when there was a lull in the dinner conversation.

He was instantly punished by the other demon locking their eyes, grinning, and then licking the sauce off his fork provocatively. With a moan.

Alastor lost his appetite and left immediately.

ooooo

The next day he almost avoided Angel Dust. He didn't see him in the morning and avoided eye contact with him during the meals, and finally left the house in the evening, which should have guaranteed a peaceful rest of the day.

Again, he allowed himself the delusion of thinking it was over.

He returned to the hotel with a spring in his steps and blood on his hands. Literal blood on his hands; he had done a spot of punishing a few demons who had offended him some time back and had thus been on his list for a while, just waiting for him to be in the mood to visit them. He knew revenge was a dish best served cold, and he didn't find it sporting to chase people who ran away from him, so he always let his future victims simmer for a good long while before he went for them when they no longer expected it. The screams of terror and begging for mercy made for a good radio show as well; it kept his enemies on their toes if they happened to be listening to any radio-like device when his all-encompassing show was on.

He closed the door with magic as he stepped in, mindful to not leave bloody hand prints all over the place. He was aware that some residual blood might still be on the bottom of his left shoe, but it should be much drier and thus less messy than his gloves so he elected to ignore it.

He waved cheerfully at Husk, who was giving him a much deserved wary look from the front desk, and ascended the stairs with a whistle.

"I heard your show", Angel Dust's voice said from the top of the stairs, making Alastor freeze. "I'm more into screams of passion, but I can certainly get behind blood play if you feel like celebrating a successful hunt."

No. He was not doing this right now.

Alastor melted into the shadows.

ooooo

The next day Alastor left the hotel early in the morning for a nice walk and a breakfast out. He was in a good mood when he came back to the hotel.

Of course that couldn't last.

As soon as he closed the door and took a few steps inside, arms wrapped around him from behind. Four of them.

"You look like you could use a little body warmth. It was a bit cold outside", Angel Dust whispered directly into his ear, and pressed his breast flush against Alastor's back.

He fell on his face when Alastor disappeared.

ooooo

Hands sneaked around his neck from behind, and one immediately slipped down his coat to caress his chest.

"Come here often, hot stuff?"

Alastor involuntarily let a loud bout of radio interference out, and then disappeared on the spot, leaving his half-finished drink behind.

ooooo

Alastor opened the door to the communal living room.

Angel Dust was sprawled on the divan, noticed Alastor on the doorway, and immediately spread his legs wide open. He was wearing a miniskirt and a pink pair of women's panties that did very little to hide anything.

Alastor slammed the door shut and ran.

ooooo

Alastor felt the briefest of touch on his ear and disappeared without even bothering to see who it was.

ooooo

After a week of being ambushed by Angel Dust at random times, and enduring so much flirting and wandering hands and flashes of fur or underwear that he felt like no amount of showering in either water or blood would ever cleanse him, Alastor was this close to breaking his little promise to Charlie and dismembering the handsy spider in cold blood and with his bare hands in the middle of the hallway.

And now, seeing Angel Dust stationed right outside his door the first thing in the morning, which was bolder than ever before, he had enough. He was officially done with the ridiculous game and decided it was beneath him to keep running away like he had.

It was the time to apply drastic measures.

"Gooood morning, Ala-"

"Shut your mouth", Alastor said, putting on his most dangerous smile and taking purposefully loud, menacing steps towards Angel Dust, whose smile dropped accordingly and was replaced by a touch of genuine fear. Good.

Alastor grabbed a rough hold of Angel Dust's upper arm and yanked him into his room, slamming the door shut behind them.

He was going to put an end to this, one way or another.


	3. Chapter 3

Angel Dust generally wasn't afraid of Alastor. He was one of the few demons who had lived through the times the Radio Demon had been the most active, but hadn't paid any attention whatsoever to it. According to Vaggie, everyone in Hell should have heard the horrifying broadcasts whenever one had happened, but apparently Angel Dust hadn't been around radios or other devices that could count as radios any of those times. He had legitimately never heard of the Radio Demon before the guy showed up at the hotel. So, he mostly only had hearsay to work with.

Well, and the occasional freaky shit that happened whenever some idiot attacked the hotel or otherwise provoked Alastor. The actual residents of the hotel, though? They had never been harmed, even if Alastor casually threatened them with violence sometimes when they got on his nerves. Even the random guests had only ever been really harmed that one time with the arm thing; otherwise they were simply spooked by the implication of impending violence.

Bottom line was that Angel Dust had little reason to fear the Tall, Red and Handsome.

Except right now.

Right now, Alastor looked really fucking scary and all of that was directed at Angel Dust specifically.

Maybe he had overstepped his boundaries just a little bit lately?

"Angel Dust", Alastor purred – yes, purred, that was the only word to describe it – with the creepiest smile in Hell while tapping his sharp claws against the wall next to Angel Dust's head. Oh, right, he was cornered against a wall with Alastor looming over him, despite Angel Dust being the taller one.

He had had so many fantasies about this very position, too! And now it just had to be terrifying instead of hot!

"I'm going to have to insist that you stop harassing me, starting right now, or I will rip you apart limb by limb and feed your pieces to rabid rats while you watch and bleed to death as a mere torso", Alastor said, grin sharpening even more. He snapped his fingers and roughly a dozen rats that were foaming at the mouth appeared and started scurrying around the floor. Angel Dust's skin crawled. "I'm beyond caring what Charlie will think of it. You will cease your actions of the past week, or you will cease to exist. Am I making myself clear?"

Angel Dust nodded hurriedly, eyes darting between Alastor's frightening face and the rats that were getting way closer to him than was comfortable. He had joked about being double-dead and going to double-Hell before, but he didn't actually want to know how that worked. Or if Alastor could arrange for it to work. Which he probably could.

There was a tense moment where neither of them spoke or moved. Only the skittering of little rat claws on a wooden floor could be heard.

And then Alastor's creepy grin and menacing aura were replaced by his usual cheerful look like someone had flipped a light switch, and he waved a hand in the general direction of the disturbing rodents to make them disappear. "Good! I'm glad we've reached an agreement."

Angel Dust sagged against the wall in disbelieving relief, using it as a support to keep his knees from failing him.

Damn, he had actually feared for his life for a second there. That was a first.

However, now that he was not dying...

Alastor pulled away and turned towards the door like nothing noteworthy had happened. He was just about to reach for the handle when Angel Dust's mouth started working, quite against his better judgment. "Wait!"

Alastor stopped, and turned his head to give Angel Dust a look that was half inquiring and half warning. "Yes?"

Fuck. Why didn't he just stay quiet and count his blessings?

Because he needed answers, that's why. And his survival instincts were returning to their default non-existing state now that he was no longer in direct danger.

"Could you just tell me why?" he asked. At Alastor's expectant and slightly puzzled expression, he decided to elaborate. "Why are you so against my advances? Anyone's advances, actually. I just wanted you to loosen up and have a good time for once. I've never seen anything that'd even hint at you getting some action and that's just… tragic. How can you live like that?"

Alastor stared at him quietly, grin unreadable and body wound up like a spring. Just as Angel Dust was certain he would not get an answer and might even be back on the rats' menu, Alastor sighed and dropped the grin a notch into a more frustrated one. He turned fully around to face Angel Dust, and folded his hands primly behind his back.

"I'm afraid my answer is going to be very unsatisfying for you", he said, and his eyes flicked over Angel Dust's form clinically. Geez, no-one had ever looked over his perfect body with that little interest. It was almost insulting. "I simply lack any interest in… intimacy. I've never had the barest hint of desire for other people, no matter their gender. Not in my life or my afterlife. I find the idea of physical intimacy very repulsive, in fact. I don't know why. I'm aware that biology dictates that I should want it and should find it appealing, but I don't, and there is nothing I can do about it. That's the long and the short of it."

Angel Dust digested the information. It was very damn hard to wrap his mind around it. Alastor didn't want sex? At all? Thought it gross? What the fuck was wrong with him?

...Wasn't that what his own father had asked him when Angel Dust had innocently inquired if it was normal to like other boys? And then his father had beat the shit out of him in an attempt to "cure" it. Repeatedly over the years.

Now, he may be a slut and proud of it. He was a druggard. He was violent. He was not a good person, and him being in Hell proved it beyond any doubt. But he was not going to follow in his shitty father's footsteps and label someone a freak based on what their stance on who to have sex with was. Or in this case, who to not have sex with.

Fuck no. He was going to do what his own fucking father should have done. He was going to embrace the damn fact with open arms, all six of them, and let Alastor know it was perfectly okay and probably somehow normal, too.

But what could he do to show his support or whatever? He knew nothing about this shit and was the worst person in Hell at being comforting.

…

"Vaggie!" he said, and grinned excitedly at Alastor, who had clearly been waiting for some kind of a response.

Alastor gave him a very confused look; he was definitely not following Angel Dust's train of thought at all. "Pardon?"

"We should ask Vaggie if she knows a word for someone like you!" Angel Dust said, pointing at Alastor with four hands. "She's from recent times and uses all kinds of weird language, besides the Spanish or whatever, to talk about feminism and gender expression and shit like that. If anyone has some newfangled vocab to put your situation into words, it's her."

Alastor looked at him like he had grown an extra head, but then seemed to consider it. Eventually he shrugged, snapped his fingers, and then they were in a random hallway next to a startled Vaggie.

"Hello, my dear!" Alastor said with a smile, and pulled Vaggie into a side-hug.

She was immediately pissed, unsurprisingly.

"Let go of me, you-", she continued the sentence in her native language, but it didn't take a genius to know she was cursing his guts. She pushed herself out of the grasp and crossed her arms defensively, glaring daggers at Alastor. Not the literal kind, though. Not yet anyway.

Angel Dust snickered. "Sorry about that, babe. We actually have a question for you. Alastor, if you would?"

Vaggie now looked between the two of them suspiciously, but she was clearly listening.

"Ah, we were hoping you would be able to provide us with a word from the more recent times", Alastor said with a mild smile, holding his microphone stand in front of him with both hand like it was a cane. Classy. "Is there a word to describe a person who feels no desire for physical intimacy, and is, in fact, repulsed by the mere concept?"

Vaggie blinked at them in bemusement, arms slacking slightly and coming half-uncrossed. "You mean asexual?"

Both Angel Dust and Alastor crowded in on her, invading her personal space and making her take a couple of alarmed steps back.

"It exists?" Alastor asked.

"Like homosexual but with an a?" Angel Dust asked. "And that's a thing?"

Vaggie waved at them to back off, and then rubbed her temples as a sign of exasperation. "Yes, it's a thing. Asexuality is when a person feels little to no desire for sex, and it's not because they're abstaining for religious reasons or something else. They're just not into it, like how lesbians are not into men and gays are not into women. It's actually a spectrum with different levels of tolerance for sex and different romantic orientations, but those are whole other cans of worms. You said something about repulsion? Though it's not always a thing, it's very common with aces."

"Aces?" Angel Dust repeated with a laugh. "That's a cool fucking word for it! Oh! You could start doing a whole lotta playing card puns now, Al! That'd shake up your stupid dad joke routine a little."

Vaggie's eyes widened, and she turned to stare at Alastor, who now had a wide, excited grin on his face.

"I could! Hahaha! Imagine Husker's face when he realizes he can no longer play solitaire at the front desk without a barrage of commentary from yours truly! 'Oh, you need an ace to complete that? Why, I'm right here!'"

Angel Dust laughed, and patted Alastor's shoulder amicably. The action only got a small glare from the other demon, and nothing more. That was some damn improvement from the usual. "You're such a card! You know what? Let's go give it a whirl right now! Let's spook the shit outta him by having an inside joke AND by getting along for once!"

Alastor laughed, grabbed a hold of Angel's shoulders, and took them to a new location to put their hastily concocted plan into immediate action, much to Husk's complete and utter confusion and mild alarm.

Vaggie was left behind, wondering what the hell just happened, why it had happened, if she even wanted to actually know, and if she should regret being a part of it.

But one thing was for sure: Angel Dust never propositioned to Alastor again, and their relationship was much better for it to the despair of the rest of the hotel, who now had to deal with ace puns and playing card jokes on a regular basis.

Hell was never the same again.


End file.
